Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
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I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
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A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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