At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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