Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
