my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
