I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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