My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
