as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
