I can tuck mytits in my pants
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
