i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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