it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I lost the right to judge tonight
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
