fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
