Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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