Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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