if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Is it because I queefed?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Randomize
