closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
