totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
