I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
