You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
