i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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