Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
