Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Randomize
