I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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