some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
