I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
