Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
His nipple licking is glorious
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