I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Sober January is a disaster.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
