I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
