I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
