I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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