remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
