people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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