Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Farmville is her only friend.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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