Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
