you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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