I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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