I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
