WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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