were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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