Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
