There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
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She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
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I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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