She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Randomize
