His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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