I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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