we're chasing vodka with high fives
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
