omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
