I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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