Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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