my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
