Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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