i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
So squirting runs in the family.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
