you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
