True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?