I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
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This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
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You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
as a side note pls kill me
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.