Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.