Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
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Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
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The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room