If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.