I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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