tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
