Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My ATM looks so different sober.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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